5. Fred’s at Barneys // 660 Madison Avenue
I romanticize being a senior citizen the same way teenagers romanticize twenty-somethings. This was only encouraged by the fact that I have spent a lot of time on the Upper East Side, a neighborhood that’s pretty much Williamsburg for old people. You can’t see this more than at Fred’s, the restaurant at Barney’s. Senior citizens love department stores. And shrimp salads.
4. Katz’s // 205 E. Houston Street
On the opposite end of the senior citizen lunching spectrum, I’d probably go here on a hot date. It’s always crowded because of When Harry Met Sally, so you have to be really pushy in order to get your pastrami order just right. This place is usually so crowded that people wait like vultures for a free table, but if you’re a senior citizen, you’re allowed to take your sweet time. Also, get the egg cream.
3. Fogal of Switzerland // 611 Madison Avenue
Have you ever left the house with the sole intention of getting a new pair of tights? (Or, “pantyhose.”) Yeah, me too. All the time, actually. This place is incredibly expensive, but it’s also the best pair of tights you’ll ever own. The saleswomen pamper customers like they’re old women, asking them about their arches and their opinion on control-top. I’d take my granddaughter here when she becomes a woman.
2. Film Forum // 209 W. Houston Street
This theater regularly has double-features, and I think old people are the only people patient enough to sit through two movies in a row without wanting to check their email. Every time I’ve gone, I’m usually sitting in a sea of old couples, who like to shush loudly any time a wayward youth takes out a cell phone. Again, this would make for a very romantic old-person-date.
1. The Diamond // 43 Franklin Street
This is the kind of bar I will go to when I am frail and can only consume liquids. It’s quiet, not crowded, and best of all, they have shuffleboard and horseshoes. There is even a rule that you’re not allowed to yell while playing. This is the kind of bar that has a leather-bound menu, and the prices are typed so small I once accidentally ordered a $15 glass of wine.
