4. Ponytails
Never wear your hair in a ponytail in public, no matter how practical it may be. It’s practically a signal to all kidnappers, rapists, and ne’er-do-wells that you are okay with them grabbing you by it and hauling you off into the woods. For maximum safety, wear your hair down, or better yet, just pull a Mia Farrow.
3. Two-Way Mirrors
To quote an email my mother forwarded, “Place the tip of your fingernail against the reflective surface and if there is a GAP between your fingernail and the image of the nail, then it is a GENUINE mirror. However, if your fingernail DIRECTLY TOUCHES the image of your nail, then BEWARE, for it is a 2-way mirror!”
2. Shredders
Invest in a shredder. Shred everything. Everything includes receipts from Coldstone Creamery, unopened junk mail from the New York City Ballet, old love letters, and Q-Tips (it contains DNA). Meanwhile, keep all those free credit cards that banks send you in a conspicuous pile on your desk, near a window.
1. Subway Safety
Never touch any part of the subway. Hold your breath around large groups of people, but if it’s completely necessary to breath, only take in brief sips of air. If you’re Asian, it’s okay to wear a medical mask. If you’re not Asian, it’s not okay to judge Asians who decide to wear one. Don’t be rude.
