5. Be Industrious
Sit with your back to a mirror. That way, everyone can see what’s on your screen. Keep your desktop open to a Word document or spreadsheet, so people know you’re working the whole time. You can still Gchat and play Scrabble on your phone though.
4. Be Uninhibited
Drink coffee, even though you have never done so before because of your irrational fear of caffeine addiction. Surreptitiously add as much sugar and cream when there’s a lull in customer traffic. Get very jittery and take 1.5 minute walks around the neighborhood and then come back, looking calm.
3. Be Clever
Sit at a different table everyday, and try to change your appearance a little bit each time you visit. Wear your hair down one day, and then in a bun the next. Alternate between pants and dresses, glasses and contacts. You can change your desktop background if you want. Maybe even your ringtone.
2. Be Invisible
Don’t sit in a pile of half-empty cups and wrappers. Only take up one outlet. Take up as little space as possible, so the waitstaff eventually forgets about your presence and you become a part of the architecture. Wi-fi hobos should be not be seen, smelled, or heard. Remember: you are a parasite.
1. Be Polite
Be the fourth-to-last person to leave. You still blend in that way, and no one will have to verbally kick you out. They’ll only try to kick you out by subtly making eye contact with you, but this is easy to ignore. They may sigh when playing the same Yo La Tengo album from the beginning. Don’t let them shame you.
