5. Josephine Baker

Sometimes I wonder who would win in a fight: Josephine Baker or Mata Hari. I always choose Baker because she had a pet cheetah. And she had affairs with Colette and Frida Kahlo! When you think about it, those three women would make a good crime-fighting team.

4. Judith Jones

Judith Jones picked Anne Frank’s diary out of the submissions slush pile, edited all of John Updike’s books, and discovered Julia Child. Who would win in a publishing fight: her or Robert Gottlieb? Judith Jones, duh doy. I used to work on the same floor as her, and once her assistant said hello to me.

3. Dorothy Parker

Everyone loves her wit, but they always forget that her stories were mind-numbingly depressing. That was the best part. There’s one story about a coat that suffocates its owner. It’s kind of preachy, but it’s one of my favorites. No rules street brawl: her versus Flannery O’Connor? Parker, hands down.

2. Ray Eames

I just saw the Eames documentary, and even though she was a homewrecker, I’m on team Ray. (She would eventually have her home wrecked too.) She designed textiles on the back of candy wrappers, and served “visual desserts.” In a fight with her against against Charles, I choose her.

1. Hatshepsut

The most successful, longest running female pharaoh? Of course she’d rip out Tutankhamun’s guts. (He died from gum disease. Instant KO.) Don’t even get me started on what she’d do to Ramessess II. Yeah, she married her half-brother, but she also brought myrrh to Egypt. What have you done?