May 2012
7 posts
Eight Types of People and The Easiest Ways To Talk...
1. Babies
Blow up your cheeks like a puffer fish and cross your eyes.
2. Toddlers
Pretend to be really stupid so they feel really smart. Get the lyrics of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer” wrong, and let them correct you.
3. Children
Take all the games you play very seriously and be a humorously sore loser after you let them win. Know the words to every song on the radio.
4....
Four Nail Salons Where Your Lack of Conversation...
4. Dashing Diva // 41 E. 8th Street
This place is too clean, too shiny, too suspicious. Everything is pink and new, and I would have been scared were it not for the wonderfully familiar Asian woman there. But even she didn’t help much. First of all, they take credit card — a harbinger if there ever was one. A credit card machine is too futuristic for my taste. Secondly, they made...
Five Of The Most Recent Books I Read
5. Special Topics in Calamity Physics by Marisha Pessl
My main reasoning behind finally hunkering down and reading this book is that I had finally gotten around to reading The Secret History a few months ago. I loved that book, and people (ie: Amazon) said Calamity Physics was similar. I suppose it is, in the same way that Gone With the Wind is similar to the Sookie Stackhouse series. It was...
Five People You Encounter When Walking Dogs in...
5. Brunchers
On a weekend morning, people having brunch love to see people walking dogs. It adds to their experience. Sometimes they’ll coax you and the dog over and try to feed it some water or eggs benedict. If the dog doesn’t cooperate, the walker gets the dirty look. Basically, the world is the bruncher’s Seurat painting and we’re just living in it.
4. Poop Voyeurs
...
Four Things I Learned About New York From My...
4. Rent
When I told her how much I currently pay, she told me she wanted to slap me. She paid $50 a month to live in the West Village for about 20 years. It was a fifth floor walk-up, but still.
3. Museums
She hasn’t been outside in five years, so she doesn’t know what’s going on in the art world. She’s never liked MoMA much (too modern) and prefers the Met. She laughed...
Four Things I Did For the First Time Ever This...
4. Took a Nap in a Park
I have a difficult time relaxing enough to fall asleep in a park because I’m worried about waking up with my bag emptied of everything but my emergency clementine. But on Friday afternoon at Bryant Park, I managed to do it. When I woke up, I felt like the inside of a cat’s mouth.
3. Went to a Self-Serve Yogurt Place
I’m a pro at when it comes to...
Three Places that I Frequent So Often Because I...
3. St. Alp’s Teahouse // 39 3rd Avenue
I have a rapport with the woman who works here weekday afternoons. I come in the moment they open, she nods at me, I sit down at the same table as always, and then she brings me my food. The uncanny thing is that some days I want my tea cold, and other days I want it hot — and I never have to tell her. She just knows. I wonder if I’ll...
April 2012
12 posts
Three Reasons Why I Would Have Failed the U.S....
3. The “Rule of Law”
Last weekend I helped a group of elderly Asian immigrants prepare for the U.S. citizenship test. I got to ask them questions like, “Have you ever been a member of the communist party?” and “Are you now or have you ever been a prostitute?” But when it came to the Civics part of the test, I was woefully uninformed. Do you know the “rule...
Five Stops on The G Train, Anagrammed
5. GREENPOINT AVE = NEGATIVE PRONE
4. MYRTLE-WILLOUGHBY AVE =WARMLY UGLY LOVEBITE
3. BEDFORD-NOSTRAND AVENUE =A REDUNDANT, OVER-FED SNOB
2. FULTON ST = FONT LUST
1. HOYT-SCHERMERHORN =HENCE: HORROR’S MYTH
Three Art Supply Stores For Non-Artistic Art...
3. Blick Art Materials // 1 Bond Street
When I first got my current cubicle, I thought it should at least be aesthetically pleasing. I went to Blick and bought sheets of printed paper and tacked them around my cubicle like wallpaper. The end result was a small success in the name of caged animals everywhere. The cubicles near me took notice and started doing the same. Each time someone started to...
Five TV Shows I Only Ever Watch At My Boyfriend's...
5. Two Weeks in Hell
This show follows people in the Army as they endure the “grueling Green Beret selection process.” When I watch this show, I am suddenly knowledgeable on how to transport hazardous material across a jungle and how to survive a 10-mile night march. I know so much that I start to think I’m smarter than everyone on the show and write them off as pussies.
4....
Three Of My All-Time Favorite Movies
3. Chungking Express (1994)
Honestly, I could care less about the first half of this movie. I know that makes me a cinematic Philistine, but to me, it just pales in comparison to anything that has to do with Faye Wong. I have a feeling Wong-kar Wai would secretly agree. I like to watch this movie when I’m extremely depressed. It doesn’t cheer me up necessarily (You know they...
Four More Books I Recently Read That Are Set in...
4. Let The Great World Spin by Colum McCann
This book was a gateway to lots of Wikipedia researching. After I read it, I felt compelled to learn everything about Philippe Petit and watch Man on Wire. I suppose that’s a good thing. The book itself was depressing beyond belief, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. It’s written in different perspectives, and the Times said McCann’s...
Four Quotes From the "About Me" Section of My 9th...
4. My name is Kate… and I’m carrying the wheel. I’m 15 years old and I live somewhere deep in the heart of Texas. I’m Christian and come from your typical Asian family: a dictator mom, a clueless dad, a genius sister, a Yu-Gi-Oh playing brother, a loud grandma, and a Wheel of Fortune fiend grandpa. I’m a freshman in high school. I do okay in all my subjects, expect...
Three Signs That You May Be Addicted to...
3. Pockets
Check your pockets right now. Is there a clementine in there? Maybe two? If someone mentions that they’re hungry, do you pull a Cutie out and offer it to them? And when they refuse, do you call them a little bitch?
2. Fingers
Do your fingers have an overwhelmingly citrus-y odor? Are your nails caked with the flesh of a recently peeled clementine? Have you grown out your...
Five Levels of Hierarchy at My Local YMCA, from...
5. Old Polish Women
If you’re sitting in the sauna and a group of old Polish ladies come in wearing hairnets and platform flip flops, you better scamper out of there, towel on or not. That’s their territory, and they don’t take well to squatters.
4. Alterna-Soccer Moms
These moms come in for the Punk Rope and Kettleballs, and they wear Lululemon yoga pants and Minor Threat...
Three Instances That Could Have Been Meet-Cute...
3. Tangled Up In You
When I used to take the Q train to work, my favorite part (and everyone else’s) was going over the Manhattan Bridge and enjoying the view. One day I was listening to my iPod, and as people were leaving the train, the cord of my earbuds got snagged on a man’s J Crew nautical coat buttons. He didn’t notice and continued to exit the train anyway. My headphones...
Five People Who Share My Birthday
5. Fidelis of Sigmarinegen (1577 - 1622)
Fidelis was one of those prophets-turned-saints who wore hair shirts. He once went into a trance and predicted the deaths of several people in the crowd, calling them “food for worms” in Latin. He was brutally murdered by twenty Calvinist soldiers and is commonly represented in art with a gaping wound in his head.
4. Charles Cros (1848 -...
Four Days of Holy Week As Experienced by a...
1. Palm Sunday
The best origami I ever created on Palm Sunday was a cross that had 7-point starbursts at each end and a stick-figure Jesus hanging from the center. It took me the entire hour-and-a-half to make, and it consisted of about 15-17 palm leaves. It was promptly abandoned when Mass ended.
2. Holy Thursday
This was the day before Easter break, so it was a half day at school an we were...
March 2012
22 posts
Four Matronly Stores You Should Not Be Afraid To...
4. Talbots
My old roommate was once offended when a guy gave her a Chico’s giftcard for her birthday. “How old does he think I am?” she asked. I agreed. Everyone knows Talbots is where it’s at when it comes to chic, whimsical accessories for handsome older women. Have you ever wondered where your 6th grade math teacher got her adorable brooches? Talbots is that nice...
Three Limericks About My Experiences With...
3. Stumptown // 18 W. 29th Street
It was Halloween at the Ace Hotel I had a hunger that I could not quell I ordered the pudding Smiled like Cuba Gooding From then on the evening was swell
2. Dessert Truck // 6 Clinton Street
We took a cab all the way from midtown For my hunger would lead to a meltdown But we made it in haste With rewards of great taste Note: my companion’s beard was...
Four Facts That I Automatically Slip Into Far Too...
4. Some people urinate through their bellybuttons.
It’s a result of a procedure called Mitrofanoff appendicovesicostomy, usually for people with urethral cancer. I never remember that though. This fact usually breaches the surface when someone complains about outie belly buttons.
3. Beyonce got her first kiss in that Jack in the Box.
Whenever we drove past the nearby Jack in the Box in my...
Three Ways You Can Own an E-Reader and Still Buy...
3. Strict Territory Boundaries
Specifically delineate which areas the e-reader and book will inhabit. I only use my Nook on subways and at the gym. I read books everywhere else. There are always exceptions (Nooks are good for New Jersey Transit, but for some reason, I prefer books on the LIRR), but for the most part, I like to keep that rule intact. I like to pretend that if I bring my Nook into...
Five of My Most Listened Songs at My Office Versus...
1. Office: “Niggas in Paris” by Jay-Z and Kanye West Home: “Love Connection” by Casiotone for the Painfully Alone Gym: “Bittersweet Symphony” (Extended Version) by the Verve 2. Office: “Bad Girls” by M.I.A. Home: “You Can Hide Your Love Forever” by Comet Gain Gym: “Bittersweet Symphony vs Rock the Bells” by the Verve vs LL...
Five Bubble Tea Places in the East Village Where...
5. Cha-An // 230 E. 9th Street
I wasn’t expecting this place to be as fancy. We ordered a sample of desserts, and when it arrived, we were all struck dumb. I think this would be a good place to propose to someone. Or take your well-behaved Italian greyhound.
4. TKettle // 26 St. Mark’s Place
This part of St. Marks always unnerves me since I feel like I’m in a Hot...
Three Message Boards That Have Abducted...
1. All Things Kawaii
When I was still flexing my Internet muscles in grade school, I liked making “websites.” I frequented a site called “Melissa Explains It All: HTML Guide” and created layouts on Microsoft Paint. All Things Kawaii was essentially a message board where poor creatures like myself could trade “kawaii” website wallpapers, banners, scrolling...
Three Literary Gangs I Would Like To Join
3. The Greasers // The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton
I’m just being noble. Sure, Two Bit (or rather, Emilio Estevez) is funny, and Johnny (or rather, Ralph Macchio) is a Jesus-figure, but the Socs (or rather, latter-day Leif Garrett and in-her-prime Diane Lane) have such a great wardrobe. And they ride in rodeos, apparently. But anyway, I guess the Greasers are cool, too. After all, they win...
Five Acronyms For People Who Go To The Gym (But...
1. G.R.A.N.D.M.A
Go rarely at night. Do mornings always.
2. S.U.A.V.E.N.E.S.S.
Steroid-users acquire very eerie-looking nipples. Everyone says so.
3. G.I.F.T.W.R.A.P.
Grunting is for tossers with rapidly aging prostates.
4. S.P.A.M.
Stretchy pants are mandatory.
5. S.C.H.W.A.R.Z.E.N.E.G.G.E.R.
Strenuous and continuously hard work-outs always rely on zealousness. Everyone needs exercise...
Four Ivy League Universities I Visited This Month
4. Princeton
My brother is the smartest person in my family, and on his Spring Break, he and my tiger mother decided to visit Ivy League schools even though he is only a sophomore. Princeton’s campus was definitely the prettiest. I always thought Princeton was the lame Ivy League because Rory blew it off in Gilmore Girls, but like her choice to spurn Jess, she was obviously wrong about that...
Five of the Last Wikipedia Articles I Read
5. List of The Cosby Show Characters
My boss mentioned that the oldest Huxtable daughter went to Princeton, and when I expressed my disbelief (“Hello, A Different World?”), she dropped the bomb that Denise was not the oldest. Rather, it was someone named Sondra, who I had completely erased from my memory.
4. Willie Revillame
I was reading a Grantland article (I’m a man....
Three Places Where You Can Eat French Toast In the...
3. Cozy Soup ‘n Burger // 739 Broadway
I’m surrounded by limitless lunch options at work, but sometimes all I want is french toast. The counter here is always crowded, with servers yelling at each other and the phone constantly ringing, but it’s still my favorite place to sit. It’s also a favorite spot for people in general who like to read while eating. French toast is...
Five People Who Are Within a Ten Foot Radius Of My...
5. Surfer IT Dude
I’ve never seen someone adhere so neatly into a cliche. He wears board shorts and puka shells and has long blonde hair reminiscent of a Hanson brother, circa 1998. He once described someone’s browsing history as “gnarly.”
4. Mean European Supervisor
I’ve never seen this man, but at approximately 3pm everyday, he begins yelling at a woman, usually...
Three Beauty Concessions I Made, Despite My...
3. Spin Pin
If you Google “Goody spin pin,” the device itself looks somewhat medieval. But as someone who likes my chignons to be rigorously clamped to my skull, these pins are a lifesaver. They do the work of about ten bobby pins, and they never budge, not even after a strenuous G Train shuffle. Strangers and acquaintances alike have commented on my default sourpuss face, and I...
Four of My Favorite Types of People at the...
4. Old Married Couples
Surprise, surprise. In general, I like admiring any couple that can sit together in silence, no matter what age. But when old people do it, it’s the epitome of my retirement dreams. (Though, I don’t have to be married to achieve this dream. I can also do this alone, or with my short-hair Borzoi greyhound named Lavinia Swire.) Since everyday is pretty much a date...
Three Places I Will Continue To Patronize Despite...
3. God Bless Deli // 818 Manhattan Avenue
This is open 24 hours, which means you can get a breakfast sandwich any time of the day. That in itself excuses the brunt of their unsavory name choice. Though, I suppose it’s probed itself useful in the past. During “Hurricane” Irene, it was one of the few businesses that didn’t, in a state of apocalyptic panic, pad their windows...
Six Trains As Described by Various H.P. Lovecraft...
6. PATH
“To the right of the door was the axe-hacked remnant of what had been a man—clad in a nightshirt, and with the shattered bulk of a lantern clenched in one hand. He was totally free from any sign of snake-bite. Near him lay the ensanguined axe, carelessly discarded.”
5. Long Island Rail Road
“As the train rattled onward through the night I saw a subtle and gradual...
Three Books I Recently Read In Which People Live...
3. Hygiene and the Assassin by Amélie Nothomb
This book was written in French in 1992, but it’s only recently been translated. It’s about an obese, alcoholic, misogynistic, reclusive author on his deathbed who is interviewed by a female journalist. There are long passages about them arguing about philosophy, politics, religion, and literature. Normally I’d avoid such a book...
Three People I've Interviewed While Humiliating...
3. Miles Kurosky (2010)
Beulah is my favorite Elephant 6 band, and I was excited to do a feature on Miles Kurosky’s solo album for CMJ. I was less excited, however, to actually speak to him. Nothing against him. I’m just not good at talking to people. That’s probably why I have since then given up dreams of being a hard-hitting journalist. I’d rather just write about...
Four Diners With Bad Yelp Reviews That I Like...
4. Moonstruck On Second // 88 2nd Avenue
Upon entering one afternoon, an old woman from behind started barking at me, “Are you going to help me or what?” She was in a motorized wheelchair and wanted me to hold the door open for her. I was happy to oblige. There were two other motorized wheelchairs inside. That’s when I knew that this was my kind of place. The food was...
Three Concerts I Attended With Both of My Siblings
3. M.I.A. at Bass Concert Hall, Austin (2007)
In 2007, I was 19, my sister was 21, my brother was 11, and M.I.A. had just released Kala. I liked grating twee pop, my sister liked hip hop and slow jams, and my brother liked the Steve Miller Band. For some reason, we all agreed on M.I.A. and her first two albums were heavily played any time the three of us were in the car together. I liked...
Four Places I Was When A Celebrity Died
4. Princess Diana (1997)
Have you ever been to a pizza buffet? I know there’s a Cici’s Pizza in New Jersey, but to me, they seem distinctly Texan. My family had stopped from a trip to the beach with a bunch of other families, and we were at a Cici’s Pizza, leaving soggy flip flop marks and wet sand in our wake. All of a sudden someone said, “Lady Di!” and we all...
February 2012
11 posts
Three Trivia Nights In Greenpoint And What To...
3. Black Rabbit // 91 Greenpoint Avenue
This is a very low-key group trivia night, and it’s good for a night when you just want to sip a hot toddy and play Connect Four between categories. The rounds move very slowly, which can be frustrating if you don’t expect it, but if you’re in for a slow night, it can be just what you need. The bar-tab prize is pretty good, and this is the...
Eight Of My Favorite Literary Anagrams
8. GERTRUDE STEIN = REGISTERED NUT
7. AGATHA CHRISTIE = RICH HAG IS AT TEA
6. ERNEST HEMINGWAY = WEIGHTY MAN SNEER
5. WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE = I AM A WEAKISH SPELLER
4. BRET EASTON ELLIS = BELITTLES REASON
3. GORE VIDAL = I LOVE DRAG
2. MARCEL PROUST = CORRUPT MALES
1. T.S. ELIOT = TOILETS
Three More Movies I Watched That Are Set in New...
3. Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close (2011)
Before I saw this movie, I knew two things: 1) I wouldn’t love it, and 2) I was going to cry, probably within the first 30 minutes. To prepare for the first part, I reminded myself why I was paying money to see it in the first place. I enjoyed the book, and I’m always curious to see how things are adapted. To prepare for the second part, I...
Three Mind-Numbingly Depressing Girl Group Songs...
4. Needle in a Haystack by the Velvelettes
My favorite songs have such an infectious melody and chorus that you don’t realize that that the lyrics are about giving up all hope of ever finding love.
3. “Give Us Your Blessing” by the Shangri-Las
I love the narrative arc of this song. Like all Shangri-Las songs, someone always has to kick the bucket in the end.
2. “Band of...
Three Manhattan Places Where Filipinos Can Be One...
3. Pomme Frites // 123 Second Avenue
On weekday afternoons, two Filipino guys (one gay, one not sure) work behind the counter. Both are incredibly efficient and friendly. They’ll ask you why your parents didn’t teach you to speak with a proper accent, so just smile and add “po” to the end of all your sentences. If they’re nice enough to give you a free upgrade...
Four Things I Saw On Sunday From Most to Least...
4. The New York Transit Museum
I enjoyed this place a lot more than I expected. Did you know the subway cars from the 50’s had woven, cushioned seats? That would never fly now. Everyone has scabies. And subway tokens — they’re so weird. I had a lot of fun going through all the turnstiles they had throughout the years, too. Overall, The Transit Museum was infinitely funner than...
Five Sailor Scouts My Grade School Friends Shaped...
5. Sailor Jupiter
One of my best friends claimed Jupiter as her own, mostly because they both had long brown hair and usually wore it in a ponytail. Also, they liked the color green. My friend was so obsessed with Jupiter that at a sleepover, she once told us that she sometimes held one-sided conversations, pretending that the sailor scout was listening. My friend was never withdrawn or quiet, so...
Three Books I Read, Two of Which I Loved and One...
3.The Art of Fielding by Chad Harbach
I —like the rest of book-reading America— was quite engrossed by this book. I could’ve cared less about Pella and, quite frankly, her father, but I think I was aching for a happy ending for Henry so badly that I didn’t skip a word, for fear that it would allude to something good for him. After I finish a book, I always read the...
Four Times It's Safe To Cross The Street During a...
4.Slow Walker Vengeance
Sometimes you get stuck walking behind a sloth, and when you finally break free, the best way to “teach them a lesson” is to powerwalk in front of them, showing them who’s boss.
3.Tights Malfunction
So you just discovered a gaping hole in your tights that exposes the back of your thigh to anyone bored enough to notice. It’s okay to skitter across...